Alt-text: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can make me think I deserve it.”
you broke the ocean in
half to be here
only to meet nothing that wants you.
“I spent my life learning to feel less.” — Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Earthquake this morning.
I got kicked out of grad school today. There’s a few more layers of bureaucracy before it’s official. There might be a chance to appeal it still, but I don’t know how to anymore. I’ve tried so hard and so long. But instead of support all I’ve found is indifference or scorn.
I’m tired of everything being so damn hard.
What I would give for this. To have someone to speak to who won’t turn me away.
And that’s the most frustrating thing about depression. It isn’t always something you can fight back against with hope. It isn’t even something — it’s nothing. And you can’t combat nothing. You can’t fill it up. You can’t cover it. It’s just there, pulling the meaning out of everything. That being the case, all the hopeful, proactive solutions start to sound completely insane in contrast to the scope of the problem.
It would be like having a bunch of dead fish, but no one around you will acknowledge that the fish are dead. Instead, they offer to help you look for the fish or try to help you figure out why they disappeared.
You know when you read something that’s so accurate that you don’t know how to words?